In the 5th grade, I had one last project left before I went to middle school (aka the worst fucking years of my life).
My career choices at the time were limited to three occupations; Broadway Superstar, Lady at the party who passes out the cocktails, or a hard-hitting journalist like Anderson Cooper. Since the school wouldn’t let me hand out Mai Tais to my classmates, I decided that my final would be a newscast video. With my lisp and extremely loud speaking voice, I made the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Not gassing myself up but it was good, it was fucking good.
Never before has one been so enthusiastic about the revolutionary war, I’m telling you. “Colonial News Network”, I mean that’s genius. Not only was my love for learning extremely present back then but I was awesome and I didn’t even know it at the time.
I made an effort to smile at everyone, not caring if they would smile back. I never worried about people thinking I was weird. I sported a Canadian tuxedo every day with neon yellow converse and a Jonas Brothers backpack. I ate peanut butter and fluff sandwiches for every damn meal. I didn’t stay up every night worrying about something I had no control over. When I found out that Jordan Weinstock didn’t like me back, my initial thought wasn’t “Oh you know it’s because I have fang teeth.” I just thought, “Hey his loss.” I constantly let people into my life without wondering if they were going to hurt me.
Yes, I know I was 10 years old, and who wants to peak in 5th grade?
But for a lot of reasons, I feel like 5th grade me was a better version of myself. I celebrated who I was way more than I do now. I’m on my way to get back there but I almost feel like I’m disappointing that girl.
I never felt embarrassed of my cackle in the movie theater. I never walked a different way to avoid my ghoster because my lashes weren’t curled. I never left the dressing room pissed off because what I tried on didn’t look good on my body type. I never thought I wasn’t good enough. I just kinda was. I let myself feel absolutely everything.
My self-love wasn’t altered by what others said to me. I just knew I loved me and everything about me and it was as simple as that.
I miss 10-year-old Chloe HK. She was simply not afraid to be her.
So I guess I’m trying to get back to her.
I’m trying to get back to a place where I stand up in front of the class and perform my own rendition of High School Musical 3’s “I want it all.”
I’m trying to get back to a place where I enter a room and say “Hey I’m Chloe Hart-Kindelberger and I’m fucking awesome” and know it 100% of the time.