The whole concept that life is continuously changing is something I always knew. From middle school awkward stages, to my rebellious teenage years, to my forward-facing college years, to then later becoming a responsible adult.
I’ve grown, but in this past year, I haven’t. I’ve forgotten the fact that things are forever changing, life is forever changing. With that, I have forgotten myself.
I lost myself when I found myself alone. Alone, sleeping on a cot in the middle of a living room for four months. No friends, but a good salary that didn’t start until the last month I was there.
Summer 2019 is one of the darkest times of my life. I guess recognizing that, is a part of growing. Growing out of the abuse and the malnourishment that I gave myself, and the state of my mental health.
The situation didn’t help. Instead of flourishing in a tough situation, I sunk to the bottom of that Florida lake I looked at every day. The space between my body and my soul was so vast that I could still feel the cold in the summer heat.
I tried anything. I made a friend, who turned out not to be a very good one. I made another, who turned out to scare me. The other relationships I made were so shallow that their water barely made a puddle.
I guess it carried over.
When I left Florida, I thought I’d feel better. Thinking I was homesick for four months. But once I got home, I still felt empty. Now I know better. It wasn’t New York that I missed. I’ve been missing myself. The girl I knew and felt, she was gone as soon as she stepped past the Florida border. However, I could be wrong which is scary. It’s scary because there’s a possibility that I never knew her.
Now back in school, I can get help. Here I can reach out and get guidance.
I want to get better. I need to get better.
That’s proof of growth within itself.